Marriage is one of the most complex and rewarding relationships that we experience in life. It is challenging, as it requires a strong commitment, patience, and an ability to navigate the ups and downs of life together. We must have empathy for our spouse, while also maintaining our own personal sense of self. What makes a marriage work, and what makes it fail? Dr. John Gottman, a leading researcher on marriage and relationships, has identified exactly that.
Gottman identified what he calls, “The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse.” These are four negative communication patterns that erode a marriage over time. They are criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling.
Criticism—the first horseman—involves attacking your partner’s character or personality. This can be harmful because it makes a statement about what your partner is, rather than what they do. For example, if your partner forgets to do the dishes, you may criticize them by saying, “You’re so lazy and selfish.” That is unhelpful and hurtful, and focuses on what you think your partner is, rather than the action (or lack of action, in this case) causing the problem. It would be much better to identify and discuss that behavior that is causing you upset. For example, you could say, “I notice the dishes weren’t done when I came home. I feel irritated because I think they’re being left for me to do even though I’ve been working all day.”
The second horseman that Gottman identified is contempt. Contempt is when you treat your partner with disrespect and disdain. It may manifest in sarcasm, name-calling, or mockery. Contempt is particularly dangerous because it suggests a lack of respect for your partner as a person, and it can be difficult to recover from contempt once it has entered a relationship. Even if you say you’re just “joking,” your partner may always wonder if there’s a bit of truth to the sarcastic comments.
Defensiveness is the third horseman, and it involves denying responsibility and deflecting blame onto your partner. This can make it difficult to resolve conflicts, as neither partner is willing to take responsibility for their actions. Defensiveness can also lead to a lack of accountability and trust in the relationship. If you’ve ever brought something up to someone and been met with defensiveness, you likely know that it is difficult to feel safe or comfortable bringing anything else up. How can problems be resolved if any mention of difficulty is met with deflection and blaming?
The last horseman is stonewalling. This is when a partner withdraws from communication and shuts down emotionally. This may happen when one partner feels overwhelmed or flooded by emotions, and can’t engage in the conversation. Stonewalling can be particularly frustrating for the other partner, as it feels like they are being shut out and ignored. Difficulties cannot be resolved in one party cannot engage.
So what do you do if you notice one or more of these Four Horsemen showing up in your relationship? Does that mean that your relationship is doomed? Not necessarily. There is hope to repair the damage created by these communication difficulties. Seeking the help of a mental health professional with training in relationship counseling is a good step to getting your relationship back on a positive path. By working together in relationship counseling, you can learn to restore fondness and admiration, improve communication, manage your own emotions, and overcome stressors impacting your relationship.
Positive Approaches, LLC offers relationship therapy to couples in committed relationships throughout Oregon, via secure video (telehealth). Contact us for more information.